The work of grief involves Being Present and moving from No Where to NOW Here:
Important Ways to Help Yourself:
- Focus on rest and self-care; Minimize social obligations and allow yourself an “exit” such as I have plans for ___________ and am taking time for myself at this season. Thank you for caring and inviting me. However, I won’t be able to attend.”
- Say what you want and what you don’t. Example: “It would really help for me just to talk to you without you needing to comfort me, soothe me, give me advice. I’d really appreciate if you could just listen. If I need more help, I will ask for it. Thanks so much.”
- Allow yourself to bypass the holiday extra’s, such as: doing minimal or no decorations, sendig less or no greeting cards, giving fewer or no gifts.
- Make some comfortable and simple plans for the New Year, in case you might feel extra grieved for going into a new year without your loved one(s).
- Forgive yourself for past mistakes or short-comings, or not being aware or available of the loved one’s illness or decline into death.
- Think about forgiving others (perhaps even the loved one who died) for past mistakes, short-comings or ways they have hurt you. If you choose not to forgive, practice letting go of resentment, revenge, etc.
And Speaking of Forgiveness, it is a process that
- Takes time
- Is assisted by allowing yourself to feel the hurt, betrayal, anger, pain, etc. Then to cry, scream, etc. to express these emotions and let them out. You may want to confess this or pray it to a Higher Power.
- Is not about Forgetting or Excusing what others did
- Is not about making amends or resuming a relationship
- Can happen, even if others don’t ask for forgiveness, or are undeserving of it
- May be assisted by you developing your own Forgiveness/ Letting go mantra
HOLDING GRUDGES AND BITTERNESS
Keep us stuck; using a mantra can help (and it’s okay not to always be moving forward in this process)
Examples: “I forgive you for reminding me that sometimes I have been ______________…”
- Unvalued
- Unloved
- Unprotected
- Overlooked
- Misunderstood
- Taken for granted
- Mistreated, abused
- Unheard, invisible
- Unimportant
- Unable to meet make up for what you wanted
- Misused
- Neglected
“I know that I am ___________________”
- Valuable
- And can give value to myself and others whom I choose
- Safe enough now and able to protect myself
- Good enough and worth taking care of
- Strong enough now and can make it
If we have harmed others (by will or by cluelessness), it is important to seek self-forgiveness and to apologize to others (when appropriate and healthy to do so).
This process involves.
1- Assess and acknowledge what we did and ask “Please forgive me for ________” without going overboard, self-shaming, or groveling
2- Remember We Can’t Force Anyone to Forgive Us (And That’s Okay—We’ve Done Our Part) | Hopedynamics Counseling
3- Please forgive yourself so that you can move on, even if it takes repetition. “I forgive myself for ___________ and am moving forward with learning new and healthier ways to be and interact.”
